The Smurfs (2011) Review

Originally posted on August 2, 2011, on AD Forums.

And oh, how melancholy I feel upon writing this review. Because The Smurfs, despite being, on many levels, a very soul-sucking exercise, especially when you realize that you and your best friend went to see a children's movie on a Tuesday afternoon because you had nothing better to do, this film was... mediocre.

Maybe I should elaborate. The Smurfs, as it stands, was MERELY mediocre. It was not the fabled downpour of shit the trailers promised it would be. I ACTUALLY GENUINELY LAUGHED ONCE OR TWICE. This is far more than I expected, and really, makes me quite sad. Also making me quite sad: according to trailers before this film, they're making another Johnny English? Why? Why is this happening?

Anyway, to the film proper. In my mental universe, the plot went something like this:

There is a cat, named Azarel. Or something like that, I am really too lazy to look up the name of this cat. This poor cat is enslaved via some not-explained force to the repugnant wizard Gargamel, who hates Smurfs, even though they seem perfectly unobtrusive and have a pretty nice eco-friendly society going on. Well, this cat is horrendously abused by both Smurf and wizard alike, and occasionally by real live people via some weird portal plot that didn't make much sense to me. But Azarel keeps going back to Gargamel! It's like fucking Twilight with this cat, how does it not realize that every time it goes to help the insane wizard, he will end up getting thrown off buildings and choking on screws? Because he LOVES Gargamel. Or loves to watch Gargamel get hit by buses.

Seriously, the most lasting thing about this movie, to me, is the amount of abuse this damn CGI cat gets. Almost frightening, how much shit this cat has to go through. There is an innate cruelty to this film that children, apparently, love, since I was surrounded by giggles.

The real plot: Ostensibly, our heroes are a gaggle of Smurfs, who, during a Blue Moon Festival (which does not involve Blue Moon Brand beer, sadly), get thrown into a portal to New York, where they run into Barney Stinson and his wife, Emma Pillsbury, who's cured of her OCD and pregnant. Somehow the Power of Smurf makes everyone all happy and things turn out okay and Gargamel gets hit by a bus. (Comedic highlight of the film to the two year old behind me. STOP KICKING MY CHAIR ASSHOLE.)

The main problem with The Smurfs is... oh my God who am I kidding? There isn't a MAIN problem. The existence of this film is a problem. At least, though, one of the scriptwriters (there's like six, so I assume one had common sense) snuck in a few clever jokes, like one in the very beginning about how it's "totally okay" for there to be 99 male Smurfs and... Smurfette. (Another clever weird thing: Smurfette, at one point, shakes her head, and she makes the "100 coins" noise from Super Mario Brothers. Bizarre, but cool.) If the whole movie was turned into an ersatz commentary about how WEIRD the whole Smurf thing is, maybe it would've been better. As it is, having a bit of cleverness makes the film even odder. Sometimes it's a very predictable family film about being true to yourself. Sometimes it's an excruciating screwball comedy. Sometimes it's this hipster clever thing. Sometimes the special effects blow so bad you're in disbelief. And sometimes NPH plays Guitar Hero and you want to gouge your fucking eyes out. It's a schizophrenic movie.

Well, there are some good things. Katy Perry's voice, which is something I expected to loathe in large doses, actually works very well for Smurfette. I know, shocking, but it's true. The movie is really bright and colorful, with nice camera work, especially in the beginning in Smurf Mushroom Land. And there are very few scatological jokes. (They're replaced by cat abuse and pratfalls, which aren't MUCH better, but hey...)

I think that's it for good things!

But the fact that there are good things at all makes me depressed. I was expecting premium snark bait, the kind of movie that comes once every few years that's SO awful you can't turn your head away, and you can't help but laugh at it. The Smurfs... *sigh*... is not one of those films. It's just average. Frustratingly average.

Also, FUCKING SMURF THEME SONG IS STUCK IN MY HEAD. IT'S AWFUL. THAT FUCKING SONG. JUST KILL IT WITH FIRE.

**/*****

EDIT: Oh I forgot, I even wrote this down so I'd remember it: John Oliver's in this. That makes his filmography The Love Guru and The Smurfs. Greatest. Filmography. Ever.